Among the Trees

I am feeling kind of nostalgic today and so fully of words but yet can’t seem to find the ones to express my accurately. But reflecting on the different trials I have faced in my life, the storms I have weather and the obstacles I have overcome, I have had a deep self-awareness. It’s not that what doesn’t kills us makes us stronger, in fact, it is what we survive in this life that makes us human and we all need that reminder from time to time.

When I consider these thoughts, I cannot help but to wonder, wish, and dream. I think about how I long to be like the great oak tree. The instinctual knowing of taking root. Planting myself down deep, in my firm foundation of mud, clay, and dirt.

I wonder what it would be like to have the ability to grow as deep as I grow tall and wide.
What it would feel like to surpass the knowledge of time and existence.
To be a spectator of the turn of each century as everything around me changes.

How can you not look at these beautiful and magnificent creations and wonder what it would be like to bear roots as you cling to the earth like a great oak tree?

Knowing that if I were gone, I would leave a shatter of destruction in my wake
Like when the great oak is uprooted or destroyed
It destroys the land that is left behind it, just look and see the evidence of where there once stood a tall oak tree

That is the kind of legacy I  would like to leave.

 

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stay

Sometimes I wished you stayed
I remember what it felt like to have your hand in mine
It felt like I was always grounding you there like an anchor
Yet you were constantly restless like the sea trying to drift away from me
The memories of you flood my heart and cloud my vision
Wishing free from this prison
Repressing images that are all but forgotten
Sometimes I really wished you stayed

You dragged yourself away
Like you were on some kind of mission
You never needed my persmission
But I wish you wouldn’t have always swayed
There was never a delay
I just wish you would have stayed

Sometimes your words were so cruel
I wondered how you could be so heartless
I did not understand what I did to make you so mean
Despite the abuse
I still wanted you to stay

Wondering where the wander of us went
You were so lost in me and I in you
We intertwined like a puzzle piece created to fit
Then you broke us in away that now nothing quite seems to connect

Sometimes I just wish you would have stayed
That I was enough to keep you
That you were not just looking to be entertained

Sometimes I lie awake at night
Finding myself wondering
Why you didn’t stay
Why were you as fickle as the wind
Why did you drift with the sway of the waves
I just wish you would have stayed.

This place is not a home

Home isn’t a place, it’s not a building, it’s not a room surrounding you with four walls

Home is the company your keep

Home is the people you surround yourself with

Home is the love you have in your heart, the engaging conversations, just sitting and being in the presence of those who get you, those who understand your soul.

Home is family and family isn’t by blood relations. Family is who you make it to be.

So yes this place is not a home, my people are my home.

Are we all just merely a cluster of words

Relentless, loyal, inquisitive, curious, weird, funny,  annoying, frustrating, and cute. These are all words often used to describe me, there are many more, but these are the most common. Some are very kind and enduring, some not so much. I chose these particular words because I feel like these nine words make up who I am as a person, the good, the bad, and even sometimes the ugly parts of me. I find it funny how we all can be defined by a cluster of words. I mean these words are not who I am, not every single definition of these words define me or fit into the mold of who I am. But the way I define these words with my own personality, character traits, and quirkiness is how, who I am define these words.

Sometimes I listen to sappy love songs

Sometimes we need to say the deepest confession of our hearts allowed. Sometimes there is nothing too revealing or too overwhelming personal about these confessions, but they sometimes embarrass us anyways. For me its: “sometimes I listen to sappy love songs”.

I like the idea of being love, loving someone so much it hurts. I’ve never loved someone like that before, and if I am brutally honest with myself, which I am often on this blog. My greatest fear is that I will never find it, that I will never truly experience it.

I am not a very loving or open person. But I do long to one day have that unique and vulnerable relationship with someone. That special connection and closeness that no one can come between or take a part. Some days I can almost picture it, other days, it seems too good to be true, as if I am doomed to forever be alone.

So back to the confession of listening to sappy love songs. I have some top favorites, that to me are just my classic love song list (in no specific order). With lyric showcase as well of my favorite parts:

Stay – Zedd and Alessia Cara

All you have to do is stay a minute
Just take your time
The clock is ticking, so stay
All you have to do is wait a second
Your hands on mine
The clock is ticking, so stay
All you have to do is stay
Stay

Hold my hand – Jess Glynne

Standing in a crowded room and I can’t see your face
Put your arms around me, tell me everything’s okay
In my mind, I’m running round a cold and empty space
Just put your arms around me, tell me everything’s okay

Thinking out loud – Ed Sheeran

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are

Better together – Us the Duo (honestly the whole song is the greatest thing on earth, but I will pick just the first verse to showcase here):

There’s no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
The song that I can sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, they’re made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs
Of sepia tone loving
Love is the answer
At least, for most of the questions in my heart
Like, “Why are we here?” and “Where do we go?”
And “How come it’s so hard?”
It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing
It’s always better when we’re together

(I’ve Had) The Time of my life – Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes

This could be love because
I’ve had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it’s the truth
and I owe it all to you

You are in Love – Taylor Swift

So it goes
You two are dancing in a snow globe, go round and round
And he keeps the picture of you in his office downtown
You understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars
And why I’ve spent my whole life try to put it into words
‘Cause you can hear in the silence
You can feel it on the way home
You can see it with the lights out
You are in love, true love
You’re in love

My current favorite: New Years Day – Taylor Swift

My favorite part of the song is:

Don’t read the last page
But I stay when it’s hard, or it’s wrong
Or we’re making mistakes
I want your midnights
But I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day

I think it’s because I want a love like that, I want someone who is going to stay when life gets hard and everything is just going wrong and we are making so many mistakes, as if we just can’t keep our head above water. You want someone there when life is fun and good, but you want some who is also there to clean up the mess afterwards, when everyone else leaves. They chose to stay, because they chose you.

I’ve never had that kind of love, its sad really, I am 29 years old and I can honestly say I have never in my life experience that type of unconditional, passionate, and long-suffering kind of love. Its honestly depressing, because it seems like people like Taylor Swift for example, who are roughly my age have experienced that kind of love multiple times. Its almost selfish in sense that its unfair because I haven’t even experienced it once and believe me it would only take once. Because once I have that kind of love, I would hold onto it, I would fight for it. That kind of love that I am looking for, I would white knuckle grip onto it until my heart and hands were bleeding and I would still never let go. You do not loose something that special nor that rare nor do you just give up on it.

The irony of listening to some of these sappy love songs (I say some, not all) is seeing the lives of some of these artist who sing these lyrics. And I can’t help but wonder if they have truly ever experienced this love they are singing about because if they had, then why have they let it go (and so many times at that, sorry Taylor Swift).

The Secrets That We Keep

I have always been pretty honest on here, the anonymity helps, but there has been a struggle I have kept to myself and secret so deep that it haunts me and keeps me from speaking. I have had a constant battle when it comes to food for the last 15 years. From the ages 14 to 18 I was severely anorexic/bulimic. I was mainly anorexic, but at age 16 my parents started figuring it out with my food intake decreasing to less and less and my exercising increasing to more and more, by age 16 I pretty much wasn’t eating most days, every few days or so I would eat an apple or orange or even a banana to keep up the appearance of eating food and constantly use the excuse that I ate a lot at school or I ate out with friends. The excuses started not holding up and I could no longer hide behind the lies so I decided to eat one full meal a day with my family dinner and I would throw it up afterwards. I never really binged ate and purged, that wasn’t my style. I was anorexic out of a means of control and used starving myself to punish myself, so binging was never an option. When I was 18 I went into a year long residential treatment center for my eating disorder and drug abuse problems. I gained about 20 pounds which got me up to a healthy, normal weight, learned how to eat right and take care of myself through normal amounts of exercise. The first year out of the program was difficult and I started eating different foods, no longer was a vegetation and I started eating more carbs and some sweets and some junk food, things I deprived myself for 4 years.

Eventually I started to fall in love with food, because I realized how much I was missing out on. I began to eat so many new things and before I knew I started gaining some more weight. Another couple of years passed and I became depressed and lonely and I turned to food for comfort. Fast forward to now, I am struggling with obesity. I am on a strict meal and diet plan by doctors orders to lose much needed weight. I am eating the amount of food that I should be eating, making healthy food choices and exercising once again. I am on a good track, I have already lost 8 pounds in less than two weeks. It feels great doing this the healthy normal way. But I struggle with the fear of what if, what if I take it too far again? What if I go back to the other extreme? After-all, that is the type of person I am, from one extreme to the next, the battle of an addictive personality. I do not want to be this way, I do not want to live in fear of my own self, as if I am unable to control it. But I have learned a long time ago, that when it comes to eating disorders, they tend to control you.

When I was anorexic/bulimic, I had become subject to the monster inside of me, the one who called me ugly and fat when I was merely skin and bones. The disorder warped my perception of self and destroyed my self-esteem while it also mangled my self-worth, and tried to strangle the life out of me. I believed the lies that I was not enough: thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or that I wasn’t desirable, that no one wanted me or would ever want me. I felt like if I never ate or limited my food intake that I would one day be the girl that was worthy. That all changed when I went and I checked myself into the year long residential treatment center. It was not a quick change, I actually struggled with my own form of bulimia for the first 5 months, with eating what was required of me at meals and purging when no one was around. This disorder does many disturbing things to your mind and body, it also causes you to do weird things in efforts to hide. I would purge into old rags and stuff them in trash bags to hide in my closet until deep cleaning day. I would use air freshener, perfume and dryer sheets to hide the smell. I would purge in the shower and force it down the drain, this was the easiest because we were required to clean our shower after each use with the all purpose disinfectant cleaner. When I finally wanted to be free of the all consuming monster and no longer be subjected to its power, it still wasn’t easy. I had damaged my esophagus from all the times I forced myself to purge that at times the vile would work its way up on its own during or after meals. I had learned that the only way I was going to stop this from consuming me was by overpowering it, so I swallowed vile, it took months of doing this daily until it stopped happening.

The struggle now is that I had allowed food to become sort of a friend over these last few years. Even in times when I wasn’t depressed or lonely, it was like I couldn’t help it. When I was sad, I ate, when I was happy, I ate, depressed, I ate some more, angry, I ate, emotional, guess what? I ate and I ate, I would eat beyond the point of full and then I would continue to eat more. I never thought an eating disorder could twist itself into what mine has become. Food is such an idol to me, even when I was anorexic/bulimic, food was a god, in a sense that it was evil and one bite would make me blow up into a whale size of a person. Its as if the part in my brain when it comes to food and needing to eat or whatever is wired differently. Food is either inherently good or inherently evil – again the one extreme or the other constantly at play. And I am unable to rectify a middle ground.

I’ve been doing some research to discover if this is even a thing or if I am some anomaly, but I cannot seem to find anything conclusive with google. So I think I will spend some more time on some psychology journal sites and see what I can come up with. I am not sure how or when I exactly emerged to the opposite end of anorexia. I do know I never desire to go back to that person. I plan to continue working on my healthy weight loss program, but I long to know where it all went wrong. What caused me to go from one extreme to the next, I need to know so I do not fall prisoner to this trap all over again.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated!

Fears

Vulnerability scares me… it perhaps my greatest fear…to be seen… to be fully known, scars, flaws, and all… is quite terrifying. Some people may like it, but me… not so much. It somehow correlates while conflicts with my need to know that I matter. This issue, this fear of vulnerability makes me a walking contradiction, but somehow, it still makes complete sense.