Recently discovering that my ideology was wrong, was such a harsh blow to my ego. The sense of being wrong is a wound that bruises something deep within, it almost leaves me in a shocked stupor, almost. Swallowing that lump that forms, preventing me from admitting responsibility. Opening myself up to rejection and inspection through the mere utterance of “perhaps I was wrong” is cruel joke.

My foundation of beliefs were not once cracked, they were ruined, like the havoc of a hurricane or tsunami, leaving nothing but destruction in their wake. It was as if I was doomed to not recover from this tragedy, like the lies falling down like walls I built around myself to keep me safe.

to be continued, time for sleep to overtake


Insomnia, the monster within

exhaustion overtakes
the tingly feeling escapes

creeping in as

the eyes get heavy
my body feels warm
as I start to drift

life is sinking
in this ever present abyss
black, dark, cold
dreary as midnight tries to make me whole
something got lost in my soul

I often wonder how I dug myself in this hole
the secrets we’ve never told
wishing we had to hold
this life could not be sold
as it begins to unfold

before my eyes
and if I die
from this escaping sigh
know that you and I
are no longer tied
as we all go blind

Insomnia knocks
Insomnia blocks
Insomnia talks
Insomnia walks

Because the Ground Disappears

Chaos surrounding
like I am flailing about
I don’t like to let you down
the disappointment always followed by regret
because the ground disappears

tragedy strikes,
unexpectedly so
the bills pile up
and the food was never sold
pieces of the house falling off
poverty over takes us,
swallowing us whole
while the ground disappears

unable to stand or swim
the quick sand effect
because the ground disappears

growing up we didn’t have much
if only it was just poverty
lack of food or clothes
but it was always something more
never being enough
never quite catching up
because the ground disappears

Expansive Space in Distance

the expansive space between us
grows with each passing day
your silhouette begins to fade

this expansive space
is the great divide
between you and I

I want to eat the words I said
take them back the moment they escaped my lips
the distance I caused is expansive as the sky
the void is endless as the bottom of the sea

the expansive space growing
I though we would grow old together
instead we’ve grown apart
Your right next to me
the emotional distance is ever expansive

the lastness of it all

Someone once told me that you first have to get lost to be found
That the glory in finding yourself is loosing yourself
I remember believing that
The day I chose to go get lost
I picked up my life and left it all behind
With every intention of never looking back

At 18 years old, I deluded myself into thinking I had it all figured out
I told myself there was nothing to worry about
and if and when things went wrong, I wasn’t going to pout
because everything was going to be so simple

I was new in town
with a made up name
and a story to match my frame
I gave my heart away, but I could never be tamed

But life began to take its toll
as the struggles soon began to unfold
and chaos assumed to all be told
blow by blow
always knowing what was bestowing

when the escape became prison
and reality my death sentence
knowing that I was forever bound
unwittingly and unwilling

betrothed to a man who hated me
caring death like a heart on a sleeve
battered, bruised, and torn
waiting and longing for it all to be over

clicking my heels like Dorthy
kicking, screaming, and crying
I just want to go home
and really I am just dying

walking up in a hospital bed
certain that I was dead
this waking fear of dread
wishing to take back the words I said

rushing out against the pleas and concerns
they do not understand the inward burns
that causes my heart to yearn
to escape you and your kind of love
because your love hurts

knowing no one could ever understand
I am the damage you leave in your wake
and I prayed every night for my soul to take
waking every morning to no break

The only way to leave you
was to run with nothing
and yet everything to gain
while leaving it all behind
I erased my existence as if blind
breaking the space of you and I held together by twine

As I ride the escape bus on the route far from you
I reminded myself of a quote once read
That now became ever so clear and a future hoping to save me from the dread

you will go to paper towns and you will never come back

And 10 years later, I still never went back
I made a home in a paper town
and I am so glad you are not around


And I chose You

You told me to pick
That I can’t have the best of both worlds
You said
You promised me love
You gave me hope
You told me to believe in happy ever afters again
You said you wouldn’t disappoint
You wouldn’t lie to me

And I chose you
Then you left
You walked away
Abandoned every promise you ever made

Filling me with regret
when you made me pick
He was everything
And you just lied about everything

And I chose you
Shame on me

I will Follow

I will follow you
To the ends of the earth I will follow
I  give my life
I lay down my dreams
My vision
My hope
I still follow

You are the greatest love I have ever known
I can’t contain the joy you bring me
the never ending smile when I think about all of you have done
I follow, no, I run after you, I chase you

I chase you because you tell me you will never leave me
and I believe you
and day after day you follow through
you prove to me that you stay
you stay when times are hard
you stay when I am yelling, cursing at the stars
you stay when I am out of control
you stay when I tell you to go

I followed you across the country
still with no regrets
the best decision I have ever made
You are my best decision
I am fearfully made in your image
You shadow cast over me
following in your foot steps
I move where you move
I decide as if you decide

I followed you here
I still follow you
I will always follow after you
because you are good and you will never leave
you stay when everyone else has abandoned
when everyone has given up
you push through and pursue me
you win me over and over again
Of coarse I stay
Of coarse I follow you

where else is there for me to go, who else will love me like you do?
you are my everything
you are my pursuit
you are my knight in shining armor
you rescued me out the darkness of statistics
you have given me a renewed hope each passing day
when every fades and wanes, you stay constant
I can’t help it, I follow you