Mommy Dearest

During my teenage years I blamed my father for all my issues and the crap that went on in our house that we weren’t allowed to talk about or let anyone know about. Granted his alcoholism contribute to a lot of it and so did I, I was at fault for many the issues and fights. But now that I am older I can look back over the years and see a whole new perspective. I don’t blame her for my behavioral issues as a teen and I have forgiven her, but my mom messed me up as a child. I didn’t have a mom for my first 5 years of life. She was mentally unstable, could even say crazy, manic depressed, maybe some bipolar. Suicidal, abusive, emotionally distant, and categorized by some professionals as homicidal. I don’t want to get into all of it or dig up the past, it’s just hard because I realized earlier this year I never dealt with it, I never processed it and I never, ever talked about it. I mean I dealt with the abuse of my father and got healing and forgave him. I forgive my mom no problem, I realized I forgave her before I ever processed it. I guess it’s hard because she is trying so hard to have a relationship these last few years and I don’t want one. I am emotionally distant and could care less to have her as a mother. I don’t hate her, I just don’t think I love her and I don’t care to. We never had a relationship and I don’t see it possible to have one now, she has been back in my life since I was 5, but she doesn’t know me and I don’t want to know her. It’s also hard, because I believe I am the only child she ever abused. I don’t believe my older sister was ever harmed by mother physically, but I do believe there was many emotional scars. And they have always been close and had a great healthy, normal relationship. I am not capable of having that with her, mainly because I don’t trust her, and honestly she scares me. I mean I have nothing to be afraid of, because she lives so far away from me, and she only see’s me a few times a year, but I am scared, because she is so unpredictable you never know what she will do. It’s not like I am afraid of her hurting me physically, because she hasn’t since I was 6. I don’t know what it is, I am just messed up in a way that I am still trying to find my way through to the other side of it. I have seen way to much violence in my life, far more than one ever should as a child. I heard this quote recently and it really struck a cord in me:
“Mom’s aren’t suppose to be the cause of your pain, they are suppose to make it all go away. Moms are suppose to help you not to be afraid, not to be the thing you are afraid of. Yes there are monsters and it’s not okay to let them win and its not okay to be one.” from a criminal minds episode.

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why

I can’t believe just a few short months ago that he walked about of my life and now he is slowing finding is his way back into my life. I can’t believe I was so stupid to ignore his advances and pretend that everything was okay and that I didn’t need him. But I have found myself thinking about him a lot lately… more than I ever had before and I find myself staring at my phone hoping he is going to call me. Find myself wishing I had the nerve to call him. I hate the way we left things, and I hate how I have developed little crushes here and there since he has been gone and how I almost started a relationship when the only person I want is him. It’s hard, because I felt myself falling in love with him before and he had to move so everything just ended very abruptly and that was the end of it. And now, I find myself slowly opening my heart back up to the possibility of us and i don’t even know if there is an us. I find myself capable of falling in love to easily, but then I shut myself off and shut down and push people away. That is what I did with him last time, and I don’t want to do that again. I don’t even know if he will give me the chance again… I know I hurt him… 

I get annoyed with myself because all i really want is a relationship, I want to get married one day and i am almost 25 years old and i feel like the clock is ticking… 
I hate that my whole focus is always on a guy, it makes me feel weak and pathetic and sound flakey. And I am none of those things… Sighs… This is so stressful, frustrating and infuriating. 

life and such

I thought I was done with blogging but I guess not. I really thought with xanga dying that it would be the end of the blog world for me. But I don’t believe so, I discovered that though I may not be read, it is not about that, it’s about being able to express myself no matter how silly or dumb or foolish I may sound. This is my journal and yea I could have something that no one could read, but I like all of you guys input sometimes. Like in hard times when my life just doesn’t make sense. I don’t know, but this is my blog to talk about whatever want no matter how big or small or silly the matter, it is after all my life and such!