That is my new nickname dubbed on me by my best friend! I don’t know what I would do without her, she is so great! I realized something interesting about me, I have a new best friend every few years, not anything I do intentionally, just people move. Thus creating distance not only physically, but lacking the closeness of knowing one another. But she been my bestie for over a year now. I just adore her, we have had so many laughable moments! She is a good listener and puts up with my dorkie moments! She is the best! I just love her, and enjoy the funny, silly moments we have had and long talks and heart to hearts, she is like my little sister I have never had and always wanted.
I feel as if I should have so much to say, but yet I don’t. Life has been just that, life. I am in such a strange place emotionally right now, almost a little stagnant, maybe? Or possibly lathargic? Who knows, because I am honestly not really sure…
I have become somewhat of a hermit lately and I haven’t like it one bit. Its not who I am, I mean I like alone time, but I need to socialize. I spent some amazing time with a group of my friends last night and realized how much I need it and how much I miss it. I think I have been a little depressed lately, those who care about me have been pointing it out but I keep saying they are wrong that I am not. I realize today I have been in denial. I miss him, I miss what could have been, I miss being around him. It’s embarrassing, but he has a self produced CD and it’s on iTunes, I bought it alone time ago and I have been listening to it over and over again all day. It caused me to realize how much I cared for him and the fact that I could have loved him. I am so stupid when it comes to relationships and feelings. I know that I am afraid of my own feelings and allowing someone to get close to me. The fact of letting someone see the vulnerable sides of me, the real me, all the time, it’s scary to open yourself up to. But I realize that it is something I need to do. So I am going to step out and live life and see what happens.
I realized the reason I have never been in love, and always wanted to is because I am afraid of getting hurt, and allowing someone to love you and loving them back is opening yourself up to not only be vulnerable but allowing them to hurt you. I am done being afraid!
I still think about him, quite often actually. I feel so stupid… I miss him…
I wish I knew how to fix my stupidity in life, but I am at a loss on how to do so.
It breaks my heart to think about what I am missing out on, and seeing his life just flourish.
The things we do when were afraid,
pushing the ones we love the most away…
I am so great at doing that, seriously,
if there was an award for who was the best at this,
I would so win! I really would.
My heart longs for, my heart breaks for,
someone who doesn’t want me anymore.
All because I afraid to let him in.
It’s a regret that I have to learn to live with.
It’s been a while since I wrote, but I haven’t had anything to say. Nothing new or exciting has happened in my life, which isn’t a surprise… I sent a very honest, emotional email to my sister, it was difficult, it was something I would have really wanted to tell her in person, but were about a couple thousand miles apart in different states. I would have said it in a phone call, but she wouldn’t have listened, and I think I would have been really nervous and it would have came out all wrong. I have learned when I have something to say to her, the best way to express myself to her is to email her or text her or send a letter, it’s sad, but it is true. It’s hard, because I am 24 years old and my sister and I are just now starting to have a relationship, so I am treading new waters when I have something serious or deep to discuss with her. So far every serious email or letter I have sent she has responded well and it has brought us closer. I always feel that one wrong move, I will loose her, she shut me out of her life for so long. I have been estranged from my family for years, my mom see’s me about twice a year, with little to no communication in between visits, my sister… well if I don’t put forth the effort, we would never talk. Were nine years apart, so it makes sense we haven’t been able to get close until now… were so different, not just in personality, but in the way we look. We don’t look like sisters, we don’t even look related. There was a time we were really close when I was in high school, but I screwed up, I wasn’t doing good in that period of time in my life, I was an addict and alcoholic and stole from my family and caused a lot of unnecessary chaos. She has forgive me for that, since I am not the same person and have changed, but I feel like she still keeps me at arms length and is still very closed off. That is why I am so afraid of loosing her, she is struggling and so is my mom, and I am so far away from them both. It’s not that I want to move closer, my mom and I don’t have a relationship and she has made it clear that the only relationship she wants is the one where she sees me twice a year and ignores my existance the rest of the time. I worry, because if something were to happen to either of them, I feel neither one would tell me. Wow, I didn’t realize how much I let this build up until I have seen it strung across the page. I needed to vent! I feel more at ease now… Thanks for listening!