GRATEFUL

I have heard so many expresses and declarations of gratefulness these last few months, and many people’s different views on what true gratefulness is. I guess it’s my turn now:
I am grateful for so much in this life. truly I am lucky. I feel like I get reminders everyday of how lucky I am. There are so many homeless people where I live and it breaks my heart to see them live like this. And it’s not the kind of heart break, that makes you go “oh, that’s so sad” and walk away. No, I have the heart break that causes me to think, that’s so sad, and then I do something about it. Whether I go and buy them food, or clothes, or blankets, I help in anyway that I can, even if it means just stopping what I am doing and taking time to notice them, to talk with them, to let them know they are loved. I feel like homeless people are treated as less than human and it infuriates me to no end. It’s like people don’t see that due to this economy we all could be one step away from being right where they are, it’s true. And I get that reality more than most, because I use to be one of those forgotten people wondering the cold, lonely streets in search for food or shelter. Sometimes people took time to help me out, and sometimes they ignored me altogether as if I was nonexistent and that it hurt, that hurt a lot. To be looked down upon as if you are less than human, when people treat animals better than people, it’s ridiculous is what it is. I love the Lord and I try to carry the Jesus in me to be seen by those whom I come in contact with but when I hear comments like, “Get a job” or “Lazy leeches” or “waste of space” I want to smack people who say things like that. Its ignorance, and yes there was a time I thought that way and spoke that way, yes out of ignorance, but I was humbled throughout my own season of being homeless, but I survived. I was lucky, unlike so many others, who never came out of that despair, desperation, loneliness of the lowest of lows poverty. I am not saying that to brag, because I know that I am always one step away from falling right back into that and I never want it again. So I give, I give it away, money (tend to not give out cash, most are addicted to substances and waste it on that addiction no matter how hungry they are, I should know, I did the same back then), food, clothes, blankets, coats, my time, my energy, my encouragement, and my love. I use to give them rides, but I made a promise a long time ago to stop doing that (this one is hard, because I saw a homeless couple last week hitch hiking and it took all within me to not stop and help them). I think if we all just become a little less self centered, a little less selfish, and a little more selfless, spend a little more time reaching out, and giving in and of ourselves, maybe we can spread the joy, maybe we can make a difference, maybe we can help one another to get out of that pit and all stay one step away from loosing it all. Maybe if we all could just be a little more grateful and leave this world better then we found it. I think to me, that’s what gratefulness is all about.

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HOPE

I love hope, the thought of what hope is, in what it stands for, in all its glory. It knocked the breath out of me, because hope is breathtakingly beautiful. I mean just fully grasp the meaning of hope – “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. a feeling of trust. want something to happen or be the case.” I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s just me, but I find that hope is the most beautiful thing you can do for a person, its the most precious gift you can give to yourself. I believe we all should carry a little more hope in our hearts and get rid of all the doubts we have, give up all the fears that come up, and stop seeing life as something we endure and start living it with all the hope we can muster up for the good things to come. i know this makes me seem as an optimistic, I never considered myself one, but maybe I am, i am hopeful, I hope for the best in every situation, I hope for the good in everyone I meet, that they go beyond my expectations. I hope that circumstances beyond my control will turn out alright. I hope that the things of this world don’t hold me down. 
The thing is, that most of you wouldn’t know, I use to be so hopeless. I had no hope for myself, I had no expectations for anyone, I expected the worst in every and all situations, I was a pessimist to the extreme. I think being so hopeless to the point of despair and coming to the end of myself and realizing that i could not do this thing called life on my own was my breaking point to face my circumstances, to face myself. Hope, true Hope is only found in Jesus. He is the only hope we have to survive this world and our own mere life to find any significance in it. 

update

So it’s been awhile, a lot has happen, much to say. Honestly, I just don’t feel like writing about it all, because it is so much, because it has been so long…
So I will write an overview
– mom came to visit, it went very well, by far our best time together. 

– haven’t spoke to her since she was here and its been a month since I saw her. I tend to get busy and don’t realize it’s been so long since I spoke to her, and then I do, then I am filled guilt, then I remember she hasn’t called me either. Then I remember that we really don’t have much of a relationship, we love each other because we are suppose to, because we are mother and daughter, but I don’t foresee us ever really having a real relationship.

– life and work is good

– still single

– I love my friends, they are so good to me and so wonderful to be around, I am so blessed

– i am so  thankful for all the Lord has given me in this life.

There’s more, but I am just not in the mood. I don’t even feel like I have much else to say, you think I would… I haven’t posted since the fourth and that was just frustration. I really feel myself disconnecting from the blogging world after 10 years, I stay because I feel I should, but really nothing is really holding me. Its as if blogging is almost a burden, but I am not ready to let go, even if I should.

I don’t know, life just goes and sometimes we get so caught up in it and we don’t have time to stop and write it all down. 

Bright side I have been journaling in an actual journal off and on last few weeks, it’s been nice to do so again. well that’s all for now, I suppose. 

Mad as a Hatter

I am constantly trying to do things to get me outside of myself and my head. I been spending a lot of time with friends, which is good. I have discovered that I am still incredible selfish, I hate it – I am constantly dying to myself because of it. I am so selfish it disgust me, really it does. Speaking of selfishness, since I do tend to struggle with being selfish, I can usually see it in others pretty quick. I know that we can all be a little selfish at times, it’s our nature. But I am not talking about everyday kind of people selfish, I am talking about the ones who are so full of themselves and only care what they want and use others as a means to an end to get it. I am not judging, I tend to not think this way of strangers, I am mostly talking about some of my family members. My sisters are like this, and it angers me, I can see it because I use to be just like that, I was that selfish. IT ANNOYS ME! They use each other, use my mom, try to use me, and whine and complain and ultimately cut you out when they don’t get there way!!!

Okay I am done now,
VENT OVER!