Coma

Last night was the first night in months that I slept 8 hours and I woke up the same as I do on 3 or 4 hours of sleep of not wanting to get up and trying to get the extra mins in, but the difference was the fact that I felt like I slept for days. I felt like I just woke up from a coma, I was dazed and confused, not well rested like I should have been. I didn’t even know what day it was and I have been out of it all day. Guys, I have a problem… this sleep issue is bad. I still need to try out some vitamins and things the next time I get paid, but this is so bad. I have such issues and it angers me. I just wish I could sleep like a normal person. 

On another note, this is the first time I used internet in public since I got it in my apartment and it feels wierd. I use to love free public internet, but not so much any more. It all seems so awkward, everyone doing their own thing and ignoring one another. I mean I use to as well, I am just as guilty but it feels wierd now. 

I don’t know, I guys I read too much into things, as always. I am way to analytical for my own good, I suppose.

The List

Tacos make me happy.

I have bought some new clothes, I am trying to achieve dressing more professional

I am working on obtaining the lord of the rings trilogy special extended edition. I placed a bid on ebay, I hope I win!

I have been shopping on ebay way too much, I think I am boarder line obssessed with it.

I hate to admit it, but I worry a little too much, about EVERYTHING!

As excited as I am to be finished with school soon, I am also scared and nervous as well. I am so close I can taste it, but I fear failing.

Sleep still isn’t happening very well, I fall asleep between the hours of 1am and 4am, and it is near impossible to get up on time

I need to buy some vitamin d and B12 this week

I should cut down on caffeine, but I love it (and it has nothing to due with my insomnia, caffine doesn’t affect me in that way)

I think I am lonely

I have been socializing with my friends a lot lately

I have balanced my alone time and socializing quite well this month

I get left out or forgotten sometimes (I try to not take it personally)

I am extremely akward in all situations

I get embarassed easily

I am very clumsy

I tend to be too much of a dare devil and risk taker, which only intensify’s my clumsiness

My head is oddly shapped, due to my sister continual dropping me on the head as a small child, so thank you sis! (:

sleep never comes

I feel like most of my post lately have been consumed with insomnia lately. Well sue me, because here is another. I can’t help it nor can I take it, it always finds away to creep in. I am EXHAUSTED!!!! I just want to sleep, but I can’t it takes FOREVER for me to fall sleep and the times that I ACTUALLY do, I find it near IMPOSSIBLE to actually get up. I know it might seem like I am exaggerating a little BUT I AM NOT!!! I do sometimes on some subject, but not on here and definitley not when it comes to my sleeping habbits or lack there of. I know that I can could take something, like melintonin. But that doesn’t work, oh sure it does for awhile, but then I build of a tolerance to it and before you know it, it takes 5 or 6 or more pills for me to fall asleep. Again this is true, I have an addictive personally, I use to have a drug and alcohol abuse problem, so my tolerance level is high, and it builds when I take anything consistently. Tolerance is also hertitary, and because of my alcoholic father, mine is quite high. So no melintonin is completely out of the question. I could cut out caffeine but then on the nights I get no sleep, I can’t function the next day with out it. So you see I am at a crossroads. I could to the doctor, but wasted money on a RX for sleeping pills that I will never take. I guess I am just frustrated and I have tried everything. Help? Suggestions anyone?

What is it?

I had this ephiany the other day, I have never been in love! 
It shocked me when I realized this, because I really thought at one point as a teenager that I really was in love, but looking back I never was. I mean how could I have? I had no idea what love was, I couldn’t give or recieve love, I had no idea what love was, it was a foreign concept for me. I was never taught love, I never felt what love felt like. So my relationships were meaningless, I had heard “I love you” from a few of my boyfriends, but I don’t know if they meant it or not, but I do know that every “I love you” I said back then, was all a lie, because I didn’t mean it. I do know that pursued relationships or stayed in bad relationships because I wanted to be loved. I stayed no matter how bad or horrible I was treated, I mean I put up with a lot of, lack of better word crap in those relationships because they said they “loved me.” I may have not known what love was, but I knew that I wanted, I wanted it so desperately I would have done anything for it. 

The irony of it all was that I was so closed off and shut down and wouldn’t let anyone get close or near me. I kept everyone at arms length, I didn’t want love, I was afraid of it, because it was so unknown to me. I am different now, I know what love is now, at 25 I know what love means. Despite the fact I have no one to share that love with, but honestly, I am still scared to death of it. I am scared of it will be like to be in love, because a romantic love relationship between two people is so foreign to me that it scares me to the point of hyperventalating. 

Regret

regret is a funny thing, if you let sit and fester within you, it will consume and devour you whole. The best thing to do is to let go of the past and all the what if’s it holds on to. That’s easier said then done…. But I am working on it, I am thinking of the recent past, like Feb. 2013, the rest of my past is history and I am completely on board with that. It’s just there were  alot of things unsettled in 2013, that I thought would be settled by the end, but then the end came and went and its now 2014. And now Feb 2014 is just around the corner and I am filled with so many what if’s and wonders of possibilities that it leaves my head spining with confusion. I am so full of self douby and unassurance in the situation to come entirely, that I am even at a lost for words to discuss it on here…. 

feelings

This is embarrassing, but if I can’t talk about this here then where else, I feel stupid,  but I can’t help it, I Facebook stalk someone that I kind of… well… have feelings for, we are friends… I think. But I am unsure, and regardless, I have feelings for him, not in love, by all means, no, I don’t know him like that to have those kind of feelings. I am just interested and like him and feel a connection to him. It’s been almost a year since I thought something might happen in the direction of a relationship between us. I thought he was interested in me romantically, but now after 11 months later, I think I may have misread the signs. I was awkward back then (Im still awkward) when he paid me a lot of attention and tried to flirt me. Maybe he thought I wasn’t interested and backed off or I really did completely misread the signs. I let go this last year, and it was hard, I let go of what could have been, but my mind and dare I say it my heart has kept coming back to him these last few weeks. We have barely talked since last February and that has been hard, because I find myself really wanting to talk to him. Wanting to get to know him better, wanting build some type of friendship or relationship with the possibility of one falling in love. Am I completely pathetic? Because I feel as if I am, what I do know of him, the little friendship we have, I feel like we have a lot in common, we are compatible… so it makes it difficult. He is single, I am single, we are both single, I don’t know!!! grrrrrrrhhhhaahhhh…. And I will do nothing, because I do not want to make something happen that is not meant to. Call me old fashion, but he would have to pursue me, and if he was interested, he would. He hasn’t, so I don’t think he will. It’s been 11 months, it’s time for me to fully let go and release these unknown feelings, not sure how, but I will figure it out, I always do. 

2014

I hate new year resolutions! I don’t believe in them, I don’t make any resolutions, I usually don’t follow through with them and end up disappointed in myself. So this is not a resolution, this is a vocalized goal that I had set for myself back in 2013 that I just need a little more follow through. 

I want to loose weight, I lack motivation, and struggle with follow through and determination. It’s hard for me, you see I suffered throughout my entire teenage years with a server eating disorder for 7 years until I was 19 years old. After I got help and healing from this awful disorder that had me in so much bondage, I started to really love food for the first time in my life, a little too much. I gained a substantial amount of weight. I am comfortable in my own skin, not ashamed of what I look like. But I am overweight and I do wish to be smaller, and I get embarrassed when I go cloth shopping. And I want to be healthy, it’s just hard, I can let go of certain food and eat healthier, and exercise, what is hard is the fear of going back. I am the type of person that is one extreme or the other. I don’t have a medium, I either eat too much or do not eat at all. So in order to loose weight and maintain a healthy life style I have to find a happy medium and stay consistent. This is going to be difficult, but I want to, I need to attempt this, I can’t live in fear of failing back, fear of becoming anorexic. That was a scary time in my life, even scarier because I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing, I looked in the mirror and I didn’t see a 90lb boney girl like everyone else, I thought I looked obese and felt disgusting. It’s the mind set that scares me. I know I am free and that I am capable of losing weight and becoming healthy in the right way. I know I can do this, I have to do this. I am ready to do this, for real, and be realistic with my goals and eating habits, no more extremes.