searching

I was planning on going to church this am, but I over slept… Funny, I always over sleep now. I am always late for something or missing something. I still stand firm on my last post of boredom and pointlessness engulfing me. I stumbled across this quote that stuck out to me today that describes exactly the slump i am in. “We all like being comfort-handlers but let a comfortable life wrap itself around you and that’s what ends up being the snake that snaps it’s head and poisons your life with pointlessness.” And then there was “No one is too far gone from God. 
His arm will go anywhere, to redeem anyone, from anything.” Followed by the ever so true, “God is love. Now experience it.” This seems to be something I stumbled upon, another bloggers words that I so desperately needed to hear. And then the truth, the truth that hits deep and penetrates into the bone and marow and pierces my heart ever so gently, ever so burning with the heat of the steal of a sword pulled from a fire. The truth hurts, the truth corrects, the truth loves, “Now experience Him not as an argument, but as One you adore, not only as a philosophy, but as a person, not only as a doctrine but as Dad. God is love — now experience Him.” It’s like I get it, but I don’t get it all the same. These truths, these word from another, I have known, I have known for far too long, but yet it hasn’t clicked, it still seems to not. What am I still missing, what am I still lacking in all of this? I don’t understand, I am so close I can taste it, yet so far that I am missing it, so far I can’t feel, I can’t see straight, I am missing it, I know it. 

What had Tim Keller said? “To the degree you experience God’s love toward you – that He sees you as beautiful and radiant – you will be changed.”” Am I really missing that? Have I not experienced the fullness? Have I not been changed? I thought I had! “To the degree you experience God loving you as His Beautiful, you will be changed into beautiful.”
How on earth have I missed this? How have I not fully experienced? Or have I and I am just unwavering in who I am. I feel I should be sad to discovering, angry, disappointed, but yet I feel nothing! For the first time since I was a teenager, I FEEL ABSOLUTLY NOTHING!  What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t understand! I hate it, I hate this, I… there’s nothing else to say or express this. I have tried and tried to pull myself out of this, and have gotten no where and it hits me, I can do nothing, I can not pull myself out of this, I can not save myself. Only He can and again I find myself trying to do His work, the work only He can do, the work only He can complete in me. I am so desperately lacking and I need Him, I need to come to the end of myself to find Him, but I can’t. I don’t want to. Again I pose the question, what the hell is wrong with me? How did I get here, to this place, to this thought process, to this lack of emotions and feelings? I need Him, but I don’t want Him…. I wan’t HIM but I don’t NEED HIM! This is the most honest I think I have been with myself in a very long while. I still have a lot of searcing and questioning to do, I am at a loss, completely. so with that in mind, I won’t be here for a while. I need to step back and rediscover all I am missing, I need to get my priorities straight and find myself again, find myself in Him, because that is where I belong. I belong in His Presence, and I am ashamed to say that I have been there in awhile, I have tasted and experienced His true fullness of joy and love in far too long and I need it, I crave it and it’s time. It will be hard, I do not know where to begin. Thats not true, I do know where, I just don’t want to begin there, the humbling of myself and laying down my pride, admitting my need, admitting my lack and coming to the end of me! falling on my face, that is where I need to begin and that is where it will take some time. “We are the Davids who served not our own agendas but God’s purposes in this generation and we are the Esther Generation right here and now and it is us who want hard and holy things because we want more than hollow lives.”

I have a blogger friend who recently wrote and book about his struggles and them bringing him closer to God and the impact it all had on his life. I have always admired him since he has written a book of completely vulnerably of his soul to the world and have wondered what exactly is my struggle. I know what I have been freed and delievered from, but I don’t necessarily struggle with those things anymore. So that has been keeping me awake at night, deep in thought, expecially during times like these, what is my struggle, what do I have to daily overcome and I realize it is not one thing, it is many. My struggle(s) –  1. trying to make sense of this life, when nothing seems to add up. 2. Coming to the end of myself and pushing aside the selfishness that eats away at my heart daily. 3. learning a heart of true gratitude and truly being thankful and rejoicing in all circumstances, because I can’t honestly always see the good in everything, I tend to see the bad, I see the problem and I stay there and wallow in it. 4. I am lonely and fear deeply that I will always be so, that I will never find the one whom my rib came from, the one whom I am to be the half to complete the whole, to become one with, will I ever marry? 5. self hatred – never really been freed from that, just kind of stuffed it and pushed it away and thought if I pretended it didn’t exist, then maybe it really didn’t. I believe that is called denial and I have been living in it for far too long and refuse to give into it any longer. These are my struggles, not sure if they seem so, but they are very real and very difficult and very painful for me each and everyday. One day I will overcome, sadly this is not today, but there is always hope in one day. And one day I know I will because all things are possible for those who believe. Jesus made a way for, HE lived, HE died, HE rose, for me, for me to have eternal life in HIM, how can I not be grateful, how can I not bow down, how can I not surrender all so freely, so willingly? I have been selfish, self centered, angry, numb, and so much more for far too long, it ends here, it stops here, today! Today it all stops and ends and begins at the Cross where it all ended and began a new before me. Today I chose, today I chose to come to the end myself and start again, start a new, for my Saviour and King to gave it all for me! 

***Quotes from Ann Voskamp

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boredom

I feel like I never blog anymore, probably because I don’t. I just don’t have anything interesting to say. I am just so bored all the time, bored with life, so complacent. I am in such a strange funk and I just don’t know how to get out of it and not sure when I will. 

Still not sleeping well, I do occassionaly, just depends. I feel sick all the time, like to my stomach, nauseas. I eat, because I feel I should then I regret it later.

I don’t see the point of blogging anymore… I really don’t

The List #2

I obtained Lord of the Rings Trilogy extended verison for $30 and have been watching it obsessively (and it has taken a very long time to do, I am only in the first hour of the thrid one: Return of the king and I still have to go back and watch all the special features) – Lets face it, at this rate this could take me months to finish watching, but hey I am okay with that

I haven’t gone to sleep before 4 am this whole last week

I still have yet to buy any vitamins to help with this insomnia 

I don’t even know if I will remember to take the vitamins after I buy them

I eat too much ice cream

I haven’t had a taco in week,I think I am having withdrawals

I turned in my essay for this last class two hours before the deadline!

I only have two more classes to go and I will be completed in April

I have to start filling out applications for my counseling certification so I can have my credentials by the end of April or early may

I am procratinating on filling out my application for appove credentials and I do not know why

I am tired and hungry all the time

I have become less social in these last two weeks

I seem to get upset easily and cry about everything

I feel less lonely, which is strange due to the less social and obnoxious crying

Some times I think I don’t think properly 

I feel like I give off a vibe of empathetic and that is not who I am

I am always stressed out

I feel like I am failure

I wish there were more hours in a day

this list seems never ending

I know I should be against it due to what I believe, but after these last few crazy weeks I have had, I wouldn’t mind coloning myself and having like three or four of me to complete all I need to get done

I wish I had a taco

I am broke, but I am caught up on all my bills for the most part

I already did my taxes, I did them all by myself

I should be getting my return soon, so that should fix the broke problem until I make my school payment, get my car fix and pay more bills

I need contacts

I feel like I am always broke, my money always says “goodbye” 

I do manage my money quite well, It’s just the schooling, the car issues, the bills, I refuse to get in debt so I make all my payments one time, some early, and some I pay more of or pay twice a month. I refuse to be in debt, but I happen to always be broke and can’t go out to eat with friends or to the movies…

such is life

I am becoming more and more selfish again, I need to break it. I need to die to self

I am done buying clothes for now, I have spent way too much money.

I need to deep clean my apartment and get rid of things, but I have no time

I hope there is an end coming soon, but I really need to get all this crap out of my head so I think straight

I am frustrated

I am tired

I am stressed

I want to sleep

I can’t sleep

I am hungry, but nothing I have looks good

I think I am 

I don’t know

I guess I am done

Sorry for anyone who actually read this, I am not going to look back over it because I am sure it is complete nonsense. So again sorry if you read this and were under the impression that it would be interesting! (:

Anger

Its 4am, and my insomina is in full swing. I have never felt more wide awake in my life then right now. I have been reading for the last three and a half hours in hopes of reaching the point of exhaustion and passing out. But sadly, I am more awake then when I begun reading. I haven’t fallen asleep before 4am in who knows how long and I am so tired of it. I hate my insomnia, I need to invest in some vitamins, but that is besides the point right now. I am so angry, I mean this all started back up again two years ago, I don’t understand my insomina randomly went away when I was 18 and returned briefly for 6 months after my 21st birthday and then came back full on when I was 23. I don’t understand how something like this can come and go the way it does. What is wrong with me, I hate it, I hate it so much. I don’t hate anything in life, except this. Its too the point I almost want to take sleeping pills despte the fact that I know full well that they will not work, its stupid that a body can build up a tolerance and immune system that is suppose to help aid you in sleep. Retarded really, I don’t know if anyone knows this but your tolerance level is hertitary, and mine is so wonderfully built up due to the family line of alcoholics and drug addicts, serously my body builds a tolerance to everything, even caffeine. I tested this theory, once I drank two red bulls and an hour later I was sound asleep. And no caffeine doesn’t put me to sleep or else that would slove all my problems. Sometimes if affects my sleep and will have me wired, but my point  is, when I truly and desperately need sleep my body can override no matter what is in and when it truly, desperately doesn’t want to sleep (no matter how much I want to) it will override anything put in it to help sleep come and it never does. I mentioned this all before and discusses in a recent previous post, it’s just its so true in my case and I don’t think it will ever not be. I fear that this issue with sleep will never leave me. It is such an all consuming fear that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I am so tired of being tired all the time, of waking up thorugh out the night or when I finally do fall in the deep abyss know as sleeping I don’t hear my alarm and end up really late for work (and I mean like an hour or two late). Its annoying and it makes me angry. I just want to sleep in oblivion, go thorugh the complete stanges of sleep consistently every night, is that too much to ask?… I think not, but my body always happens to disagree with me and do the opposite of what I want it to… story of my life!