Well, it has been over a month since I was last here and all this time has lapsed in between and I have nothing to report, nothing to say, nothing to update…
I am in a weird funk – honestly I am not sure why. I am not depressed, or sad or angry, I am not joyful or happy, I am not even melon-colic (sorry not sure how to spell it). I just am, I feel like I am just existing – don’t get me wrong I have a purpose, I love my job, I really have one of the best jobs there is! I just mean in my personal life, its just blah…. Maybe it’s because I am still single and I long to be married. I am kind of lonely, in all honestly. And I have this deep nagging fear in the pit of my stomach that I will always remain single and it literally terrifies me, I cringe inside when I think about this fear becoming a painfully sad reality.
And being stuck in this weird mood because of it stinks! On the brighter note, this has caused me to surround myself with friends and people I dearly and deeply love and forget all about me. Which is awesome! And going to a young adult church service this last sunday that I rarely get to attend due to work, was such a blessing and awesome because I saw a friend I haven’t seen in 2 or 3 years. She has been a missionary over in asia and honestly hadn’t realized how much I missed out on not having her friendship. She is amazing! We weren’t really close before she left, so we lost touch (mainly due because I didn’t have my Facebook for almost a year) but we are slowly becoming better friends and it is nice to have another good friend!
I am just on empty and lonely – I hate that this sounds like such a whiney rant, especially since it has been a month since I was last here. But hey, what can I say? That’s where I am at right now and these emotions, feelings, stresses, and anxieties are real, because hello I am human!!!!!!!
I just… I – I just… I don’t know, and I hate that I can’t really make sense of all this, or what I am really feeling – it’s almost numb, but not really – more like all emotions that could ever be, raging inside of me at the same time, but instead of clashing in the chaos they blend and co-exist as one. Thus causing me to feel like in a numb, non feeling type of state.
I should be rejoicing about finishing school and getting my degree that you know only took me about 5 to almost 6 years, but I don’t feel like celebrating.