update on this life

So I talked about finishing what I needed to, to get the degree I needed – ButI decided I want a Bachelor of Science in Psychology with a focus on Christian Counseling. So I took the plunge, I applied online to an awesome accredit school online, and applied for all kinds of crazy finical aid, i.e. : grants, student loans. And the even crazier part, is that I will be not only still working full time, but a full time student! That is the plan if my application withstands final approval and I get some awesome finical aid!
Also a huge goal of mine right now is to pay off my bills and I think I can honestly do it in like 3 -5 months. My goal is to do it in 3 or less, but it might take longer. I want to be completely out of all debt and stay that way so if I get a student loan, that will be my only focus and I can save up so I have something to contribute towards paying it off when I complete school.
And also because I been wanting to start living life simply, I have been getting rid of so many things and my debit needs to be one of them. So hopefully I can make it and I can honestly live on less, because I am not in need of anything right now, it’s just such a bummer because I feel like my car is a gas gusaler.. no idea if I spelled that right but my auto correct turns it into to gusher, so hopefully you understand me!
So that’s my life right now!
See ya loves!

The Journey of the Great Perhaps Continues

The beautiful mess is best ended without notification

Hosea 6:3

Hosea 11:10

I have been thinking about how I am awed in my amazement in how much I fear the unknown, and fear my own great perhaps in life. Maybe, it could be because I pursued my own great perhaps once some time ago and I failed, I failed miserably.
Now I am still so utterly completely afraid of what is to come, of my unknown, the unforeseen great perhaps in life. I know I am missing, I know I am lacking; I know I am in great, terrible, desperate need of a great perhaps.
I was and maybe still am running from God. Not just running, its more like sprinting from Him, all the while knowing that I am in dire need of a Savior, but cannot bring myself to face Him.

All these I know, but yet I run, I run a fast I can away from God Almighty, as He stands behind me with His loving and forgiving arms open wide, waiting, and waiting for me. Waiting for me to turn around, to turn away from myself and into His arms. But I cannot, I will not, my pride swallows me whole.

I wonder if this is it, my life, you know? Me, running from my great perhaps, the unknown of life, from God Himself. I know I have missed the mark, I know that I am lacking. I Know that I am also within reach, in reach of my great perhaps, and yet, it still seems beyond my grasp. I am within reach of the love and forgiveness greater than I have ever known and yet I push it all away, I turn away, I pick up my feet, and run. Running is what I have mastered in life as my greatest accomplishment and my greatest weakness ever known.

I have ran from everything in my life that comes my way and scares me just slightest. I have learned by living this way I have become afraid of so many things, so many unrealistic, unreason, stupid fears I have developed. So I am ready to embrace my fears so I can not only overcome them but conquer them. And I know that I am unable to do this on my own, so to make this a reality I have put away my running shoes. I need Jesus in my life more, it’s not that I stopped serving Him or loving Him, not all. I love Him more than anything and could not live my life without Him. My struggle has been what most people’s struggle is or can be, it is surrendering everything to Him – Trusting Him completely to have total control over my life. So I give it all to Him, every dream, ambition, hope, desire – He is welcome to it all and I will not take it back. Because He is a good God and He will give me good things, because He is the good Father who desires to give good gifts to His children. And He can do so much more with my life than I ever can, I mean I can only provide selfish gain and He can use my life for His glory instead. So I am putting away childish things and behaviors and putting off the old and taking on the New! Jesus make me new, continue to grow me, change me and mold me, make complacency my enemy.

Sacrifice

I got wrecked by this simple but life changing, heart-wrenching statement last week:

“Sacrifice is a step beyond convenience” – Bill Johnson

Then all this week I have heard different sermons, read books, blogs, etc all of sacrifice (not intentional of coarse, more like I happen to stumble across these things). So I have been getting really challenged about stepping outside of my comfort zone and of coarse that is scary, because I have no idea what that actually means or what that will look like.
I am afraid that I am going to be asked t do something too big in this regard, something that will take complete risk, a sacrifice that is beyond my control and will cost me greatly. Than again that is what sacrifice is all about.
I have learned this last week, that I am way to selfish, I don’t like to make sacrifices with my time or money or anything really. I mean I always knew I was selfish, but I have learned I am beyond selfish to the point it makes me sick and I want to hate myself. So I finally surrender and made the decision to sacrifice what ever is of myself, whether it is my time, energy, resources, fiancees, whatever it is it does not matter and I can handle being inconvenience in order to help someone else and die to my selfishness in the process.

books, books, and books, oh my!!!

so I have this problem – I love books! I love them a little too much, I tend to buy more than I can keep up with in reading and the pile of what I want to read is now the size of my entire book shelf. I love this website because the books are so cheap and its free shipping! I mean who could say no to that right? Wrong, I need to say no, but I can’t, because they always have all these awesome sales and such… And it sucks me in, I mean I have to always looked, it’s a problem it really is, I feel like it is calling to me by name and I never can just go on the site to browse like I always say my intention are to just look to get me to allow myself to go on the site – but then I always end up buying at least three, if not more. For example – in this last week I bought 8 books, and a week before that? I bought FIVE!!!! Serious I have a problem, it is unhealthy, but I don’t want to stop buying them because it has all these books I can no longer find, some that are out of print, but yet this website has them. Because you see its all the bookstores from all over the U.S using this website to sell out all there books that they want to get rid of! The most I have paid for a book is like 6 or 7 dollars, the least I paid for a book: 2 dollars! And always, and I MEAN ALWAYS FREE SHIPPING!!!!!!!!

And then I order like 8 more… my best friend is blocking me from the site, apparently this an unhealthily obsession.

And sadly this post took me like three days to do, it been crazy