The truth doesn’t just hurt, sometimes it is something to be feared

I am currently really happy with my life and I love my friends and am so happy for all the new things taking place in their lives as well! Truly, no sarcasm, I really am happy and excited for them.
It’s just that sometimes, it’s hard, and it’s a struggle – because I wonder if it will ever be my turn. And to be honest, I hate that thought, I hate thinking that way. But sometimes I do, and if I allow it to fester too long it overcomes me and I have a breakdown.
Most and what I mean about most is actually almost all of my friends, are either married, engaged to be married, or in a relationship that is heading towards marriage sometime in the the very near future. I am one of the few single ones left in my group. And it’s hard, and kind of depressing at times. I mean I am almost 26 years old and still single. And I fear I will always be – because I start to believe it will never be my turn, and the lies that there is nothing to like about me, which causes me to develop a complex of self pity which eventually turns into self loathing and believing the fear that I will always be alone and unloved.
I know these thoughts and beliefs are untrue lies, I tell myself so and eventually shake it off and move on with life. But eventually these lies begin creeping in all over again.
To be honest, it’s easy to keep believing them, because I feel like I will never get asked out on a date, I am so awkward around the male species and I read everything wrong. It is easy for me to misread a nice gesture or gentlemanly behavior as something more than being nice.
I have such a hard time communicating with guys that I often think that the right guy already came along, took one look at me and decided that I was not worth it. Maybe this is all irrational, or maybe it’s not, but this is how I feel and honestly these feelings and thoughts stress me out more often than I like. They keep me up at night, they haunt me when my insonimia grabs ahold of me. They declare war and a hostage take over of my conscious and subconscious imagination. And it’s not far – and I get angry with the fact that it could be true, that I may spend my life alone and I think eventually if it were true I would come to terms with it and be ok with it, but right now I am not okay with that. I want to be in a relationship, I want to fall in love, for real. Not just dream/day dream about it.
And I hate that I develop crushes so easily, again this makes guys who are just nice or gentlemanly like; my worst nightmare, because I develop a crush on them and they end up dating someone else and I have to teach myself how to get over them. Seriously I am ridiculous!
I mean this happened really recently, and the worst part of it is, is this guy hasn’t just been nice and talked to me once, he has done it twice now and keeps doing things like holding the door open for me, giving me a hug, being overly friendly. The weirdest one is making eye contact with me across the room (which is awkward because it just kind of happens, but what if he thinks I am some creepy, crazy stalker?) Now maybe you could say he is flirting too, but I think not, because if this is the case, I do not want him in my life in any form, because he does this with a few other girls and I don’t want to be in a line of many if you know what I mean. So I am sticking with that he happens to be a nice, gentlemanly guy and I am the freak that overreacts to all things!

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