Its funny how we fight so much in becoming like our parents, yet despite ourselves – we become them anyways. There are things that I witnessed who they were or how they acted or behaved that I declared to myself that I would never do nor never become, that I have been able to hold to. For instance, both of my parents were awful drivers, my dad he would drive recklessly and way to fast, with no regard to himself or others. My mom would drive high or drunk and often times ended up in a ditch or getting hit because she wasn’t paying attention to stop signs or stop lights. So in-spite of them I became a good driver, almost excellent if you wouldn’t count a few fender benders along the way, but hey, for 10 years driving, I think I have done pretty good. I have learned a lot from family, and sadly because of their mistakes and choices they had made I have learned how to be a pretty well adjusted person in society based on what not to do examples they have shown me. Overall – I am nothing like them, but, however, there a few behavioral corks, and social cues I have picked up and can’t seem to get rid of.
I have the tendency to become impatient in all things, especially with people. I become angry when I see something I can fix or do better and the person won’t allow me to do it. I can be short and come off rude and inconsiderate which is not my intent or my heart. These are some of the characteristic that I inherited from my parents that I do not care for, there are some good things as well, but those aren’t want I am calling into question today. I want to break the cycle and overcome the person they created me to be. There is a worst part that I haven’t admitted to yet, but I am coming to that in a moment. I have forgiven them for all the physical, emotional and psychological abuse, I mean the past is the past, and honestly, it made me who I am today, so it’s not that I am grateful for the abuse or anything, but I have moved beyond it, forgave them and love them despite who they were or the choices they made.
But the worst part, which I still forgive them for this as well, but the thing I really need help in moving beyond and changing from, is something they ingrained in me from childhood. I have this constant issue and fear that I am never enough and that no matter what I do, it’s never right, it’s never enough, I am not good enough. These terms and along with some others that are not so nice and that I do not even feel necessary to deem this page because of the vulgar content have allowed me to handicap, limit myself in away. These and many other harsh words were what I was told from a small child up until late teens and early 20s, and fought hard not to believe these lies they fed me, but eventually they broke through my defenses and became apart of who I am.
I now have a hard time taking one small critic/correction because I get this overwhelming sense that I am a failure and disappointed to my boss, friend, etc (basically whoever is correcting or helping me in the moment) and flashbacks flood my memory of my parents and the voice in my head screams that they were right. SO I break down into tears and the person panics and feels guilty because they are only trying to help me and watch out for me, and I have to constantly tell them that it’s not them, it’s me. I mean how do you tell someone that you were damaged by your parents and you are still suffering the effects of it at the age of 26? I’m sorry call it pride, but I am too embarrassed to admit that to anyone, I can’t bring myself to tell them, it makes me come off as childish, stupid, pitiful, and dare I say weak. I know it sounds stupid and I know that I just as everyone have weak moments and I can admit my fault or guilt as much as anyone else and I can take responsibility when I make a mistake and apologize when necessary. But it’s in that moment of being corrected and taught that those old feelings and fears overwhelm me. And the haunting of what if my parents were right and that I am not enough, that I am not capable of performing the task at hand, etc. That is when I break down and as much as I want to tell the person what is wrong, I can’t.
I think it’s more to do with shame than anything else, I mean what if they see these fears as completely irrational and think I am stupid/pitiful/foolish for believing them to be true. It’s hard to admit to the depth of who I am to another, to convey the pain, the hurt, and the things that may not seem quite rational, but are the make up and foundation of who I am. And the fear of not being enough, not being able to to do anything right, and worthlessness consumes me all over again. I am 26 years old, and I am still trying to undue the damage my parents havoc on my life.