This is a continuation of sorts from my blog the other day: “Silence is Deafening” because what I wrote, was not what I had truly intended to write, what it became was a sort of avoidance of my soul and hurts I tried to bury way down deep inside. I choose the term silence is truly deafening because I feel like I have silenced who I really am these last few months. Not really on her, but in my life, with my friends and loved ones. I mean this in the matter of what I have to say, what I feel, my thoughts and comments I choose not to voice because I feel like it is not important, like I am not important. Somewhere along the way I have lost sight of my value and do not see the need to voice any concerns I may have.
Ultimately, I feel like I am replaceable as a person.
I know this is not true
I know this to be lies that I have allowed myself to believe
But I believe it all the same
And I am overcome with overwhelming fear to voice any of this information to those close to me
I just can’t do it
I CAN’T, MORE SO I WONT
I never thought I would be one to loose sight of my own value, I have always been deeply rooted into that, more so because of what I was taught and raised through. For further inside read: https://flyxawaywithyou.wordpress.com/2014/10/24/what-if-they-were-right/
I believe there were more, but that is all I can find right now. If you read, I overcame a lot in my own life, just as anyone so I could be able to fight for my own value, because I had to believe it was there, that it existed, that despite what was said or done to me I was important.
There was a time I would never doubt it to be true, because I saw what my worth was through being treated as if I deserved nothing and was nothing. But I guess I have lost sight of it all recently, forgotten about the girl who had to fight for it, had to fight for own feelings of worthiness. She was strong, she was fierce and I want to know her again, I want to be her again. But that fear, is all to consuming, I mean what if they were right? I wrote that not too long ago, so these feelings have been lingering and festering for quite sometime.
But I also don’t feel depressed or think I am depressed, I do value my along time when I need it because I am extremely introverted, but I love spending time with my friends, they make me so happy and cause so much infectious laughter and joy. I love them!
But yet these feelings push there way in forcefully and violently, I believe I need to talk to someone,but I don’t know who. I do not want to pay to talk to someone and feel stupid to talking to anyone in my life about this because I believe these feelings to be stupid because I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
I think I can just reason this away to stress and overwhelming exhaustion and what not. I do have a lot going on right now and reasoning it away and burying it all, always seems like a great option. But I know better, I know that hiding it all doesn’t make it better, that it will always come back up to haunt me in a sense until I deal with it.
The worst part is, I think a lot of this comes from needing to confront my mother about things of the past, I have forgiven her, but never been able to deal with it, haven’t talked to anyone about it in 26 years, except for recently on here. But the thing is, she doesn’t remember, she won’t remember and if by some chance she does it may unravel her with pain and guilt. And I don’t want that, she is too unstable of a person for that. You might think how could she forget, because if she just blocks it out (like I did) it eventually comes back (like it did for me)? Well you see, that answer is quite simple, probably more so then any other that needs to be answered. My mom went through electric shock therapy that became big, new form of treatment for depression, especially manic depression (like my mother) and other issues. And it was new, so they hadn’t perfected it, I mean it does effect your short term memory. And I don’t know if it was because it was so new and it happened to everyone or a mistake or miscalculation that happened to her but it wiped out years of her memory, my first years of life memory to be exact. She remembers bit and pieces of my first 5 years, but mostly the memories are what had been told to her. So the person who I really need to talk to, I can’t…
I say it will all unravel her because she is so unstable, the guilt, the memories of what was done, the forcing her to remember a memory that was forcefully taken from her mind will be be her undoing. She is extremely suicidal her and this, this could/would end her. And I am unsure of many things and doubt my ability to love her, but that though, of this destroying her, tears me up. I could never do it, because in the end I do love her, I love her too much for that. So I must find a different was to deal. I mean I coped with it all, and I forgive her, no bitterness, no resentment, she wasn’t herself during those years, and now she will never be herself because a big part of her was taken. But it’s the memories that get me, they are broken fragments of memories that I can not piece together, I want to know what happened to me, but I am too afraid to know the full truth. And one of the few people (there are two), he (my father) took it all to his grave, and the other (my sister) will never tell me, that I am sure of. So I must deal, with the knowing that I may never know and figure out these confusing feelings I am having.
I will let you know if I ever figure any of this out. But to be honest, I probably never will.
As always, thanks for listening, until next time. Ramblings complete!