It’s been four months since my last post – four months since I have been on this site at all actually. A lot can happen in four months. It’s difficult for me to divulge into these last 120 days or so but here goes nothing. I have had a tough time, and adding on top of my full time work and recently moving from part time school to full time school as well, and throw in the emotional mess of a roller coaster I have been, you can imagine why I haven’t been here.
You see, since I was 15 I have had these gruesome nightmares, but they seemed to only come in at bits an pieces and they images were as graphic as a horror film. To make matters worse, it involved me as a young child, and I had never know if they were pieces of my memory, my imagination or signs that I was loosing it. I only talked about once before, when I was 16 and my family was brought in and it was denied, and I thought “great, just great! I am crazy” I would have left that room believing so, if it wasn’t the horrified look I caught in my sisters eyes, the look of her worst fear, that I had somehow discovered/remember the truth. I ran out of that room terrified. The voices calling me a liar, trying to convince everyone I was crazy, the silent denial to the public yet confirmation to me of my sister made it all too much to bear. The voice of her echoing in my head from childhood – “don’t tell, don’t ever tell anyone – they will deny it, and I will too. Just grin and bear it, like me, like the rest of us. You have too”
Child abuse is the cruelest, and yet it is so prevalent. And often times the victims remain silent, because despite the horrific cruelty of it all – they can’t turn on their abusers. I mean how can they – when their abusers are the ones who are suppose to care for them, love them, raise them? After that day, I remained silent, but a huge part of me died along with that silence. Something inside me was forever altered, and it can’t be done. Yes, I have moved on, yes I have found some inner healing, I have forgiven my parents, no I will never fully disclosed what happen to anyone, not out of fear or shame or embarrassment. But out of honor to my parents regardless if they deserve it or not, because I have received so much grace and mercy that I have not deserved. I also will never disclose the details due to the fact they are still hazy, and I may never fully recover the memories (which I am okay with) and honestly, don’t want to recover them. The parts I do remember are so graphic and horrific I wonder how I survived and am terrified to ever discover the rest of the memories, because what if they worse than what I already know? Can that even be possible? I remember my dad tried to put me up for adoption several times as a child, came pretty close once except for my sister intervened. I remember when I got older I wished that he did, but now I am glad he didn’t, despite everything – it made me who I am today.
All I know, is my life was forever alter twice – the incident of the abuse and the memory of it. But it will not hold me captive! This blog is my own personal dedication to move on, to let go, to forgive, but not forget and to declare I will not be like my parents. I have nothing to fear in this life.
Thanks for being my sounding board and listening. Even as I send this out to the void less existence known as the Internet – someone has to read it, learn from it, grow from it, and change because of it. In the end that’s all that really matters. That’s my hope in humanity – that we can help one another in changing, learning and growing, and become that we were created to be. To point one another back to our Savior, Jesus Christ – He is the life changer of our hearts and souls, because of Him I can walk out a life that is forgiven and that forgives.
Peace out Brothers and Sisters!