I’ve been thinking a lot lately, which is often a dangerous and vulnerable place to put myself in. I often find that I fool myself into believing, to remembering the good times.
Truthfully, the good times… were few and very far between. But yet, they were there and I am overcome with the flood of memories…
The night you saved my life, stood by my side and held my hand into the wee hours of the night. The time I called you and sobbed because the misery of it all was just too much and be spoke me back down to the reality of my own sanity.
The way you would look at me, as if I would always be the only one you would ever look at again. The distant smile that never quite reached your eyes because you were always left as the cruel cold casualty of this life.
The fact that no matter what, no matter where we were, what we were doing, I never felt alone as long as I had your hand in mine.
But reality… reality always finds a way to keep us ground to sanity, and I find myself remembering…
I remember the cruelty of your harsh words, I remember the times that you pushed and shoved when you did not get your way. I remember the smile with no life behind your eyes that always prerequisite the first blow.
I remember when the astray and stray knives went flying all around. I remember placing my hands to my ears as I dropped to my knees screaming for it all to end.
I remember how volatile and destructive our relationship really was. I remember that, in the end, I left because you never really loved me anyways.
I remembered that the only way to save myself was to walk away, and because of that, I have no regrets.
The memories of you, are as strong as they use to be. And with time they fade into the sea of lost memories. Gratefully, I can almost no longer see your face, your so fuzzy, it’s as if you never existed. Just a painful figment of my looming imagination. Thankfully, I’ll take it, because you were my greatest escape. There is no perhaps in clouded thoughts and memories of you, there is no wondering.
I did the best thing for me. I followed my feet to freedom. I followed them to freedom from you!