The line that was crossed

I can feel it in my bones. This longing, wanting, a needing really. It’s like a heavy emptiness weighing upon my chest. I find myself longing for the night I wish I could forget. Despite the pain that existed in those fleeting moments and in between those few choice words, and the chaos that surrounded us, I know that I was loved. In your own cruel way, you loved me. Sure, it was demented and twisted, and you were as mean as anyone can every be, but still the truth remains, I was loved by you.

Now I am left wondering if I will ever find it again. True love, but without all the pain that went along with it. I know real love  is without all the pretenses. That it is without the fist that bruise skin, the bites that tear my body to shreds, and the kicks that break bones. If I am truly loved by someone, I shouldn’t have to always hide and tell lies about the bruises and scars that exist on my body. I know you loved me, but you never really loved me – at least not as a human being, I was nothing more than mere property you possessed, I belonged to you and there was nothing romantic about that sentiment.

Real, true love comes without all that mess that lies in between the words that aren’t being said. Yes, love is messy on its own accord, but it does not borderline on abuse. Love is simple. Love doesn’t cause you to find ways to allow you to become unattached from reality so you can simply cope with breathing, concentrating on the next lie you will tell, the next lie you allow yourself to believe.

I use to think that you damaged me, but it took years of recovery to realize I was already damaged when I found my way to you. The last little bit of hope I clung to broke when I met you. But in the years since, I have found my strength, I have once again become whole. I realize that I do not need you and I was nothing more than a bunching bag to you.

You are a hollow shell of a man and I sincerely hope you received the help you so desperately needed so that you never lay a hand on another women in a way that is nothing but loving, kind, and gentle. I hope you have learned since our time together what love really is, because all we ever had was what love really isn’t. I truly mean what I say, I pray you have changed and you have found healing from your own demons that haunted you from the abuse of your own childhood.

I know hurting people hurt people and it was a lethal combination when we united, two abused kids trying to reconcile something good out of the ashes of our past and our broken misconceptions of love. No wonder we self destructed in a matter of months. It was over long before it ever began. I never understood that saying until I met you, until I was destroyed by you.

I say all that I have said to say this, I forgive you. I free and release you from the destruction of our past that bound us. I have moved on, am still working towards moving on and I will one day meet and find someone who loves me for me and loves me the way I am meant to be loved. I sincerely hope the same for you.

Cheers to a life that has been lived, cheers to a life that has been survived, and cheers to a life that has hope on the other side.

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