Sometimes I wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I am 28 years old and still remain single, completely unattached, no suitor in sight. While several of my friends (all younger than me) are either married, engaged, or in serious committed relationships heading towards the direction of marriage.
So I find myself wondering, what if there really is something fundamentally wrong with me?
I don’t believe that I am broken in a sense, despite my past history with my dysfunctional family and my destructive relationships, I am not broken. So I do not believe either of those to be the cause of there being something fundamentally wrong with me.
In all honesty I had that slow fear creep upon me during my growing up years that something was wrong with me. That I was incapable of love, incapable of ever having any significant, meaningful relationships. I mean I was not okay with any form of physical touch until I was 24 years old. It was more than just a simple fear of being touched, I had a full on aversion to any form of touch. I would literally cringe when anyone taped me on the shoulder or tried to hug me. It was worse if I was touch and I never saw it coming.
Some minor issues that I fear contributes to there being something fundamentally wrong with me:
- I am socially awkward – I have no idea how to start a conversation with some I do not know very well (believe me I have had a lot of practice and I am still horrible at it)
- I am very introverted – I come off as rude, distant, and cold – but that is not my nature or personality at all. Unfortunately, many do not want to make the effort to dig beneath my layers I hide behind.
- I am constantly afraid to be who I really am out of fear of being rejected or ridiculed for who I am as a person.
- I struggle with believing that I have anything of value or importance to say because often when I try to speak, many do not listen. I do know that many people value me and what I have to say and I am often not heard because I have a soft voice.
- It is easier for me to be a habitual loner – honestly, sometimes it is just easier for me to be left alone.
Honestly, the list could go on and on but I will end it with this last, most important one:
- Vulnerability scares me – connecting with people on a deep level is terrifying to me for a whole bunch of reasons that cannot be covered in one post and possibly not even covered in multiple post. Don’t get me wrong, I am vulnerable with a handful of people in my life. They know me inside and out, possibly better than I know myself, but it takes me at least a year in continual conversation and building relationship with a person to get to that place of vulnerability with them.
Another big issues in this area is that oftentimes I push people away and I have no idea why I do or realize I did it until its too late.
So, yes, I believe there is something fundamentally wrong me – I wasn’t made wrong or anything like that. I like who I am, I even love and accept who I am. I am just not naive to think that there is nothing wrong with me.