The Roller Coaster of Us

I wrote this about two years ago around this time, for some reason it never published and sat in my drafts. I figured it was time to go ahead and publish it. This is about a very abusive relationship I was in as a young adult, thought it might be helpful for those who have also went through domestic violence to know that they are not alone and there is hope. Because I escape my awful reality of destruction and you can too.

Baby, its the roller coaster of us
(UP WE GO)
Breath in deep
Filling our lungs with air
Hold it there
(DOWN WE GO)
Preparation for the scream that comes with the drop
Then the blow that brings us back up to the top
(UP UP)

Baby, its the roller coaster of us
(AND WE’RE UP)
The cycle is on repeat
Up and Down and back again
Its the playlist of our lives
(AND WE’RE DOWN)

Baby, its the roller coaster of us
(AND UP)
Holding in the breath I never took
Releasing it all with the silent screams
(AND BACK DOWN)
They are muffled by your hands
You hands are choking the life out of me
Your fist swing as you once again affirm “your love” to me
Bruised and cracked and left blue
(AND UP AGAIN)

Baby, its the roller coaster of us
No matter how many times were there and back again
You are always sorry
You always tell me you love me
(AND WERE DOWN)

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Dear Ryan

I find myself missing you and wondering if you miss me. I think about you quite often, wondering how life has been treating you. I wish you well and all the happiness. But mostly, I wish you would reach out and tell me you miss me, because I would reach back. My heart yearns to reconnect with you and catch up on all the time we have missed. I think my greatest fear is that you are not as curious about me as I am about you, but even worse, that you do not think about me at all.

Time has passed us by so slow and so fast all at once, its as if the days of our youth have blurred in such a manner, and yet, your face is still so clear to me. I do not fear the risk of sounding like some love obsessed creepy stalker. The reality is, I miss your friendship, you were my best friend. The one I trusted the most, the only one who knew my deep dark secrets that I hid from the rest of the world. You kept my words dear to your heart, you clung onto my secrets as if they were your own. We were connected in such a way that the lines of who I was and who you were, were completely crossed. Our souls not only connected, we collided, you and I. I do not think either of us ever expected to be forever entwined, tied to one another, but again, maybe this is all just one sided and it is only I left feeling as if a part of me is missing. You were the first and only person I gave myself away to emotionally, the physical barriers were never crossed but all emotional guards were lost to us both. You knew me and I think you still know me, and if I am honest, it excites and scares me all at once.

So I am left with my original thought, I find myself missing you and wondering if you miss me?