the lastness of it all

Someone once told me that you first have to get lost to be found
That the glory in finding yourself is loosing yourself
I remember believing that
The day I chose to go get lost
I picked up my life and left it all behind
With every intention of never looking back

At 18 years old, I deluded myself into thinking I had it all figured out
I told myself there was nothing to worry about
and if and when things went wrong, I wasn’t going to pout
because everything was going to be so simple

I was new in town
with a made up name
and a story to match my frame
I gave my heart away, but I could never be tamed

But life began to take its toll
as the struggles soon began to unfold
and chaos assumed to all be told
blow by blow
always knowing what was bestowing

when the escape became prison
and reality my death sentence
knowing that I was forever bound
unwittingly and unwilling

betrothed to a man who hated me
caring death like a heart on a sleeve
battered, bruised, and torn
waiting and longing for it all to be over

clicking my heels like Dorthy
kicking, screaming, and crying
I just want to go home
and really I am just dying

walking up in a hospital bed
certain that I was dead
this waking fear of dread
wishing to take back the words I said

rushing out against the pleas and concerns
they do not understand the inward burns
that causes my heart to yearn
to escape you and your kind of love
because your love hurts

knowing no one could ever understand
I am the damage you leave in your wake
and I prayed every night for my soul to take
waking every morning to no break

The only way to leave you
was to run with nothing
and yet everything to gain
while leaving it all behind
I erased my existence as if blind
breaking the space of you and I held together by twine

As I ride the escape bus on the route far from you
I reminded myself of a quote once read
That now became ever so clear and a future hoping to save me from the dread

you will go to paper towns and you will never come back

And 10 years later, I still never went back
I made a home in a paper town
and I am so glad you are not around



And I chose You

You told me to pick
That I can’t have the best of both worlds
You said
You promised me love
You gave me hope
You told me to believe in happy ever afters again
You said you wouldn’t disappoint
You wouldn’t lie to me

And I chose you
Then you left
You walked away
Abandoned every promise you ever made

Filling me with regret
when you made me pick
He was everything
And you just lied about everything

And I chose you
Shame on me

I will Follow

I will follow you
To the ends of the earth I will follow
I  give my life
I lay down my dreams
My vision
My hope
I still follow

You are the greatest love I have ever known
I can’t contain the joy you bring me
the never ending smile when I think about all of you have done
I follow, no, I run after you, I chase you

I chase you because you tell me you will never leave me
and I believe you
and day after day you follow through
you prove to me that you stay
you stay when times are hard
you stay when I am yelling, cursing at the stars
you stay when I am out of control
you stay when I tell you to go

I followed you across the country
still with no regrets
the best decision I have ever made
You are my best decision
I am fearfully made in your image
You shadow cast over me
following in your foot steps
I move where you move
I decide as if you decide

I followed you here
I still follow you
I will always follow after you
because you are good and you will never leave
you stay when everyone else has abandoned
when everyone has given up
you push through and pursue me
you win me over and over again
Of coarse I stay
Of coarse I follow you

where else is there for me to go, who else will love me like you do?
you are my everything
you are my pursuit
you are my knight in shining armor
you rescued me out the darkness of statistics
you have given me a renewed hope each passing day
when every fades and wanes, you stay constant
I can’t help it, I follow you

sometimes dreams don’t come true

I’ve always wanted to be a dancer
but I have no rhythm
I am unable to keep to movement
I am nothing but clumsy feet
as I try to follow the beat
There is no grace within me

I’ve always wanted to be a dancer
but I am just backstage
the one drawing the curtain
dragging the light across center stage

I watch dance movies
make myself depressed of what I will never become
I shake my head
I’ve always wanted to be a dancer
add it to the list of things I’ll never be

light my soul on fire

I want to light my soul of fire
with the fireflies I catch in my mason jar
running around cashing the little flying light bulbs
the ones I catch sit on my nightstand
like a nightlight until the light runs out
its funny how these little creatures are more dependable than a flashlight

My soul ignites
As the light dances across the ceiling space
Everything collides when light invades
Stars spread out against the spacious sky

I want you to light my soul on fire
With your words dripping like velvet honey
I burn with the trail of your touch
The looks in your eyes melting me in place
Forgetting all about time and space
just for you to disappear without a trace

Remember you were the one to set my soul on fire