Not Your Carbon Copy

Why didn’t you believe me
when I told you that you couldn’t fix me
you treated me like a math problem waiting to be solved
you ignored the constant pulling away
the walls that surrounded my heart
forever on guard

how could you ever expect me to feel safe
when I never experienced what safe felt like?
you tried to fix me
making me into your carbon copy
I told you I wasn’t broken
because damaged can’t be fixed

I tried and tried to tell you
but you wouldn’t listen
I wasn’t broken, I was damaged
I cannot be fixed, because I am not a problem
damaged is irreversible,
damaged is however, recoverable.
I just needed time,
because time heals all wounds

but you weren’t patient enough
you wouldn’t listen
instead you pushed and pushed
always trying to get your own way
trying and trying to fix me
to fix what you believed to be broken

because I was not your carbon copy
I could never be what you wanted me to be
because you were not the one who created me

you were angry because you couldn’t understand
and you were hostile because I couldn’t or wouldn’t trust you
my refusing to open up,
left you with the waking fear of loosing me
knowing I was never going to be your carbon copy

You asked me why I was leaving
and I asked you how could you ever expect me to feel safe
when I never experienced what safe felt like?

you tried to fix me
to mold me into your carbon copy
I told you I wasn’t broken
But you wouldn’t listen
So I will never be your carbon copy

 

Advertisements

Blood is NOT Thicker than Water, Sometimes the Blood is Tainted.

Something I have truly learned to come to understand in the last few years is that family isn’t about whose blood you carry in you; family is ultimately about who you love and who loves you back. Blood is not always thicker than water, sometimes the blood is tainted.

I am the black sheep of my biological family, have been most of my life. I have created a family of my own making through bonds of community and friendship over the last ten years. This is the family I have grown to love, to depend on, to share my hopes, my joy, my excitements, my fears, my sadness, my pain, and even my sufferings. These are a collection of people whose opinions, words, and affirmation mean more to me that anyone else’s. I know they love me as I love them, just as they are as much a part of me, as I am a part of them. We have collided in this dance of life and there is no one else on earth that I want to embark on this adventure with then those whose souls I have embraced as if we have all come from the same DNA.

Family is more than blood, it is more than a last name, it is more than an empty promise to be there. Family is about showing up, it’s about saying I love you through anger and disappointment. Family doesn’t have strings attached, or yank the rug out from underneath you. No, family is there through the thick and the thin.

So, it is safe to assume I no longer believe the lie that blood is thicker than water, because as I have learned, sometimes the blood is tainted.

Ideology

Recently discovering that my ideology was wrong, was such a harsh blow to my ego. The sense of being wrong is a wound that bruises something deep within, it almost leaves me in a shocked stupor, almost. Swallowing that lump that forms, preventing me from admitting responsibility. Opening myself up to rejection and inspection through the mere utterance of “perhaps I was wrong” is a cruel joke.

My foundation of beliefs were not once cracked, they were ruined, like the havoc of a hurricane or tsunami, leaving nothing but destruction in their wake. It was as if I was doomed to not recover from this tragedy, like the lies falling down like walls I built around myself to keep me safe.

The joke was on me, because I had no idea what safe felt like, I was never taught what it meant to be safe. I was taught anger, hostility, rage, and abuse. I was taught not to trust, I grew up hearing “I hate you” rather than “I love you”. I believed the lies that I was no good, had nothing to offer, no hope of escape. I believed the lies that I was better off alone. I had no idea how much I was missing out on. I need community, I need to be surrounded with love, care, and compassion. I need to be challenged, I need the room to grow. I am admitting my ideology has been completely wrong.

Insomnia, the monster within

exhaustion overtakes
the tingly feeling escapes

creeping in as

the eyes get heavy
my body feels warm
as I start to drift

life is sinking
in this ever present abyss
black, dark, cold
dreary as midnight tries to make me whole
something got lost in my soul

I often wonder how I dug myself in this hole
the secrets we’ve never told
wishing we had to hold
this life could not be sold
as it begins to unfold

before my eyes
and if I die
from this escaping sigh
know that you and I
are no longer tied
as we all go blind

Insomnia knocks
Insomnia blocks
Insomnia talks
Insomnia walks