Overcoming Loneliness

Sometimes the loneliness creeps in and the solace I use to feel in isolation suddenly holds me hostage in a cage of my own making.

Something I have been learning lately is the importance of relationships and community with one another. I am trying to discover what that actually looks like for me. Especially in learning what it means to live in vulnerability; to have an honest connection with others. And in the name of being honest, it’s terrifying to me.

It is natural to be honest on here, because it’s not face to face, I do not see an immediate reaction. But to open up to a person right in front of me is hard. I’ve done a few times in the last year and it has been the most difficult and scariest place for me to be. But I feel so much freedom in is afterwards.

As humans we were created for community, for connection. God said to Adam in Genesis that it was not good for man to be alone, God provided Eve and He wanted to be fruitful and multiple. This doesn’t just mean that we need to be in an intimate relationship and be married, no, this passage is talking about living life in authentic community.

I’ve done really well establishing a work community, a church community, a bible community, but I am struggling in establishing a personal community. My best friend moved away a few months ago. That was honestly devastating to me, but instead of sulking about it, I went out and made friends and built relationship. So why am I still struggling? Because I am just now building some friendships in going beyond surface level. Letting them see the real me, is so terrifying that it is almost paralyzing.

However, I am pushing through and doing it anyways. Because life is about community and community is about being authentic and vulnerable with one another, so I am doing it anyways. I just have to go against my natural instinct to push everyone away because its easier and protects me from rejection and abandonment. Got to dig at core fears until they no longer have a hold on me.

 

I am not a lost cause in this, I am not to awkward and weird to have friends. I will not walk in bondage to these lies anymore!

 

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Insomnia the monster from within

exhaustion begins to creep in
unable to hide from the monster within
trying to escape
longing to break free from this self-made prison

the eyes grow heavy
the muscles grow weak
everything seems to be fading

exhaustion always wins
the stresses of life always come to a head
you always told me I can sleep when I am dead

Insomnia is the lie from within
Insomnia is the monster that always tries to win
Insomnia longing to consume my soul
slowly erasing my existence
Insomnia is my banshiment
the self-made prison with no escape

Insomnia tells me I can sleep when I am dead
Insomnia creates me into one of the walking dead

Insomnia really just  makes us all self-made modern day zombies

love and dust

everything I touch always turns to dust
we must have just been lust
this relationship was a bust
you use to be someone I could trust

we ended before we truly began
you were romeo to my juliet
we were destined to be tragic

dust to bone
flesh of my flesh
your rib is mine
we were so interwined

I awoke and you were no longer next to me
your hand was not found in mine
forever came to soon
love has disappeared

I am not naive to think life is viewed between rose colored glasses
reality is we are one of the masses

When did we become a tragedy?

the summer of ole (Kelly)

I remember when I use to dream of summers
The days of my youth
Staying up late
Sleeping in

Sneaking out with friends
To hang out in the old park
Just to sit under the stars
Talking and laughing,
Sharing stories until wee hours of the night
Sneaking back home as the sun began to rise

I would play those days on repeat
The sound track of my life, of my soul
where did those days go

With nothing to lose
and everything to gain
no cares in the world
the freedom to let life go insane
running wild

The times of playing hide and go seek in the old man’s corn field
running for miles when he would chase us off of his land
laughing the whole way while we ran and held hands
old man Rus never seemed to understand

I miss those summers
I miss those adventures
I miss the trouble we would get in
Mostly, I just miss my best friend

Now we have grown up
and those summers are but a distant memory
no more summer vacation as we work around the clock
jobs, family obligations, responsibilities, and overall life just gets in the way
there’s this great, massive Continental divide between us
and not to mention the span of a decade since we have last seen each other

I think Peter Pan had it right
He ran off to neverland
because being a grown up
especially without your best friend
(your childhood sidekick)
is just too difficult to stand

Strangers in Time

I wish I could remember your face
but it blurred with time, distance, and age
I am not even sure I would recognize you in a crowd
I cannot even recall the sound of your voice
the contagion of your laugh is achingly missed

Did your face crinkle when you smiled?
Was your voice deep and rough?
or was it smooth like velvet and honey?
its funny how the memories fade

When did we become strangers?
I never thought I could forget you
I never dreamed you would lose sight of me

Its more than the distance of land
More than the passing of time
This heartbreak that separates us
Is filled with loss chances and unmeant goodbyes

The crashing reality of it all
is that we were living in a fairy tale of lies

Crop Circles

Cornfields…
I honestly can’t tell if I hate them or love them
I grew up in the middle of cornfield USA
Constantly being surrounded by them
It does something to you, you know?
Cornfields can be beautiful, but they can also be terrifying
Almost gruesomely so
Just take a look at some of the horror movies out there

Then there’s the whole crop circles in cornfields
Sounds absurd doesn’t it
Crop circles
Cornfields
Crop circles in cornfields
Absurd

But yet, there is something about cornfields
Something that makes me long to run through them
Getting lost, while playing hide and seek

And then…
It hits me, not all at once
More so, a slow realization
Or a slow fade if you will

Crop circles in cornfields are not done by some foreign alien race
Crop circles aren’t really all that absurd if you think about it
Take a moment
Playing hide and seek in a cornfield
Getting lost in the wonder of it all

You and I
I and you
We are the crop circles filling up the cornfields

Among the Trees

I am feeling kind of nostalgic today and so full of words but yet can’t seem to find the ones to express myself accurately. But reflecting on the different trials I have faced in my life, the storms I have weathered and the obstacles I have overcame, I have had a deep self-awareness. It is not that which doesn’t kills us makes us stronger, in fact, it is what we survive in this life that makes us human and we all need that reminder from time to time.

When I consider these thoughts, I cannot help but to wonder, wish, and dream. I think about how I long to be like the great oak tree. The instinctual knowing of taking root. Planting myself down deep, in my firm foundation of mud, clay, and dirt.

I wonder what it would be like to have the ability to grow as deep as I grow tall and wide.
What it would feel like to surpass the knowledge of time and existence.
To be a spectator of the turn of each century as everything around me changes.

How can you not look at these beautiful and magnificent creations and wonder what it would be like to bear roots as you cling to the earth like a great oak tree?

Knowing that if I were gone, I would leave a shatter of destruction in my wake
Like when the great oak is uprooted or destroyed
It destroys the land that is left behind it, just look and see the evidence of where there once stood a tall oak tree

That is the kind of legacy I  would like to leave.