Vulnerability scares me… it perhaps my greatest fear…to be seen… to be fully known, scars, flaws, and all… is quite terrifying. Some people may like it, but me… not so much. It somehow correlates while conflicts with my need to know that I matter. This issue, this fear of vulnerability makes me a walking contradiction, but somehow, it still makes complete sense.
Shouting out into the distance
The soundless void of the great abyss
The unknown that is far too great for man to fathom
Too wide, too vast…
The universe ever expanding and humanity become smaller and smaller
Yet, us mere humans, think we are the biggest and most important the universe has ever seen – reality being quite contray, the truth is painful
we are but a created thing, like everything else in this universe
however, we are the only created that is in image of the Great Creator – who is in all things and has made all things
And yet, knowing these simple truths
still has me relentlessly seeking the confounding, haunting truth
that we are so, so small.
We are so, so lost.
We are nothing special on our own.
But when we come together, when we unite from the span of many to one accord of sound mind and heart.
That is something beautiful!
And suddenly the void is no longer scary
The void becomes an adventure worth seeking
A life worth living
The wandering worth pursuing
I believe it is said best: “I want adventure in the great wide somewhere I want it more than I can tell.” – Beauty and the Beast
something that I thought I dealt with along time ago came back to the surface. I don’t talk about it much and do not believe I have ever mentioned it on here or any other blog I have owned. I have PTSD – without going into the gory details, its from childhood trauma/abuse. I was diagnosed at 16.
I was watching a war move, I have seen many, I am very interested by history and watch them when I can. For the first time, in a very, very long time I had a reaction that awoken and stirred up some unresolved emotions of my PTSD.
It had nothing to do with the war scenes, but it had everything to do with the few brief scenes of child abuse… Especially the scene when a gun was pulled on child (never fired, but aimed anyways).
I am still a little shook up and I don’t think I can sleep, nor do I want to – I feel I have a lot to say about this, but this is good as it is going to get as of now.
I am currently in the Midwest visiting my family… I forgot how crazy they can be, but I also forgot how much I love them and miss them dearly. I had one of the most vulnerable conversation with one of my sisters yesterday. She and I have not been as close as we once were and I feel like she has always kept me at arms length.
Yesterday she took a chance in bearing her soul to me, something she would normally do with our older sister. However, she expressed that our older sister and her didn’t seem to be on the same level of understanding when it comes to issues regarding our deceased father. So, she took a chance and shared with me, she was shocked (as well as I) in discovering I feel the same about the whole situation as she.
She doesn’t miss our father, he was mean, abusive, and an alcoholic all of our lives, the bad times strongly outweigh the good times. Our oldest sister is from his second marriage, so she was only there on weekends, she never had to live through the trenches as hell as we did. She got the good times, we got the bad and ugly – even the times of wishing you were dead, that is how bad it got sometimes. I also confided in my sister something no one in my family knows, that through all, despite how angry and hostile I was, how I had to learn how to forgive him after he died and let go of my anger and resentment (which took me years). I realized how much anger and resentment I held against my mother for allowing it to happen, for never divorcing him and for how every time she left after a fight she left my sister and I there alone to deal with him. I explained to my sister that it was much easier to forgive my dad, because he was the alcoholic and though I do not see it as a disease like most, I see it as a choice (he chose alcohol over his children, up until his death) my sister views him the same way (I guess you would have had to live it, to understand it the way we do). My mom however, she was suppose to be strong one, the one to take care of us. Instead my sister and I became survivors and learned to care for ourselves and each other. My sister is 9 years older than me and she moved out when I was 8 because she got pregnant. I was not naive to believe I would be cared for, I knew I was on my own.
Forgiveness is such a hard concept. I was a Christian when my dad died seven years ago, but it took me a couple years to fully forgive him and my mom. I did not go through the normal stages of grief. I mostly dealt with the anger (there was no denial, no bargaining, no depression) – just anger and then eventually acceptance. I think it was because I accepted long ago my dad would die young, that he would die choosing alcohol over me, like he had done time and time again. There was anger, there was hostility and rage, but then there was the calming acceptance, which enabled forgiveness to consume me like a river. My sister is still stuck in-between the anger and rage.
For the first time, my sister allowed me to speak truth, love, and forgiveness into her life. WE unfortunately were unable to finish, because we were driving and arrived back at her house and she has two small children to attend to. But she was more than happy to continue our conversation this evening because she is filled with questions. I look forward to share the truth and love of forgiveness and the gospel to her. She has never been receptive to anything I had to say of this nature.
If your the praying kind, I could use your prayers!
I fear that I have lost my depth and any ability to have a conversation of any meaning or value of substance now days. I believe that any original thought that I once had is now gone and that college just sucked the life from within me.
The worse part is that my inner self of wounder or curiosity has seem to vanish.These were qualities that I most loved about myself, my sense of adventure. Now, I find myself secluding myself and hiding away from the woes of life. Seems drastic? Possibly, I do tend to be an extreme person, however, I absolutely mean every single word.
I often find myself completely lost in conversations and with much difficultly to put forth the effort to connect, I just walk away without a word.
It’s like I have become empty, but no, its worse, I am hallow – some might see as the same, but it is not. I say this from experience. I have been empty, my life as a teenager was quite empty and lonely, I only knew of anger and hatred, it was all consuming and often very confusing. Since then I have become full of life and joy, love and peace, I know not of anger or hatred because I choose better. Having experience the fullness of life, one cannot become empty again (maybe that is naive, but that is what I wholeheartedly believe with all my being).
To be hallow, is to have everything within you be sucked away, you feel like you are missing something, but cannot quite remember because it has now been lost… no not lost, taken from you.
The difference between empty and hallow, is that you can become empty, but you are left hallow – you see, there is a big difference.
I once heard from somewhere by someone that we all are mere shadows of who we once were. I, however, happen to disagree with this sentiment, because, I am better than who I use to be.
I do not miss who I was 10 year ago, I am so grateful I am not who I was back then. I don’t miss the hatred, the anger, or hostility. I definitely do not miss the drugs, nor the toxic relationships or environments that I surrounded myself with.
I don’t miss the old me, she’s a complete stranger to me now. Rather than clingly to some sentiment that someone from somewhere said, instead, I say that I am a beaming light in comparison to whom I once was. The old me couldn’t even hold a candlestick to the me I am today, because I shine that much brighter!
I mean if you got a light inside you, you got to let it shine for all the world to see!
Its been roughly 270 days since my last post, it has been just that long since I have even logged into WordPress. I have noticed every time I come on more and more of the blogs I love to read have abandoned their sites. Its almost sad – I mean does there become a time where we are just too old for blogging, or too busy, or too whatever? I mean I am not one to talk, this is my first post of 2016 and I barely wrote any in 2015, and I even now reminded with reminders that I have 26 drafts of un-posted words and thoughts. I guess for me I have lost words, I have lost anything of importance to say – which is tragic, because I have always loved blogging and the community that goes along with it. But to have the community, you have to build up a following, to build up a following you have to actually blog on a regular basis. I pretty much failed at that. But as I said, I feel like I have nothing of importance to say, and I always have been a believer in if you have nothing of value to contribute, then don’t contribute empty words and phrases just for the sake of doing so. Its always been a pretty good motto that I have lived by, I have never seen a reason to violate its sanctity.
Granted for the last 1 and a half my life has been consumed with full time work and school, as well as struggling to hold onto and maintain any shred of my friendships and relationships in the process of my hectic life and schedule. So blogging really became buried in the back of my mind overtaken by items of more importance and priority. I know its not much of an excuse, but there it is – its truth, my truth.
I feel like I should have more to say after all this time, but I don’t – I did however finally start writing that book during one of my breaks from school. But I go t as far as the first two chapters and lost interest.
Well, I am gonna take a look at that overwhelming 26 drafts and see if I can salvage any to post later on or at least delete some, or half, or all – will see!